What I Want To Do

As I walked in the door, I notice that it is past one in the morning. I just got in from seeing Sex and the City "the movie" and thought about the characters I have grown to love. In my 20's my friends and I would argue about who was the Miranda, Charlotte, or Samantha in the group. Oddly, people would place me as Charlotte. I'd always place myself as Miranda. And everyone else, it didn't matter who, said they were Carrie. Everyone wanted to be Carrie.

Oh to be a fly on the wall, to see 4 black women from Denver, with their tennis shoes, Birkenstocks and Payless Shoes relate to 4 white women from New York. However, that was the appeal. The show spoke to so many women and their experiences, yet had so many of us wishing and dreaming to actually be Carrie or Charlotte.

This time around, I don't really care to be a white woman who pays rent money for shoes. I just want to be me.
Oh boy, there's a problem. I don't know who exactly that is or what that exactly looks like, but it's funny, because as I was pondering about me, I got on the computer and ran into a file labeled "What I Want To Do." I could not remember what this was, but I opened it and this is what I found. A poem.

What I want to do is stay home and take care of my family
That is priority, that is key
What I want to do is cook healthy meals and go for long walks with my sons
I want them to have a sense of wonder, a sense zeal for the world and the people in it
A sense of “I can do that... I can be that. I am whatever I want and I am not ashamed.”
What I want to do is travel the world with my husband and get this small world view out of my small world view head
What I want to do is run a marathon
And then run another
And another
And another
Just to prove I could
Just to say I did
Just so I know I can keep my eye on the prize
What I want to do is teach
But not in the system of industrialized education
Me and my boys first, then others
What I want is to have all my fears dissipate into thin air
So that when I teach, I can teach others how to do the same.
So that I can be what I preach, so that I am what I teach, so that I am a true woman of faith, so that this legacy will be passed down, and down, and down and down and down until there will be no place left to go but up. Yeah, that’s what I want to do.

So, I know what I want to do. I see that I have some strong pieces of me. Now, I just don't know what it will look like and what I will look like once it is all said and done. Hopefully, I'll get it and find myself before the end.